A Personal Struggle
Ring the Bell - March 2022
First round of radiation treatment completed
This post is a long time coming but I feel it’s time to share with you the reason behind some of the changes in my life as of late. I’m not pushing this out via social media outlets, since this isn’t a cry for attention or help or requesting any sympathy. This is an easy place where I can control the narrative of my story, and you as the reader can feel confident with the content because it’s my voice.
Let’s go back a few years to help fill in some blanks. Sometime in 2000, I was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma in my left kidney, and after radical nephrectomy, the road to recovery was long. So hard in fact, that this “condition” removed me from my primary duties as a flight-qualified photojournalist since I was unable to fulfill my obligations of worldwide mobility. The USAF convened a review board for a medically discharge after 19 years of faithful service. I’m so thankful for all who spoke on my behalf to allow me the dignity of an honorable retirement at 20 years. On September 1, 2001, I retired with a 40% disability and more than just a sour taste in my mouth with the treatment after the medical board made me feel unworthy of serving my country. Still today, I struggle with the feeling of being “less than” compared to my comrades in arms. The darkness reached new circles of depression the day after the infamous day of September 11, 2001, when I was informed that returning to active duty service was unwelcomed - in any capacity - since my “condition” deemed me unfit. When my country needed my dedication to service the most, I was unwanted and permanently discarded. And still, I struggle with the idea of being unfit to voluntarily place myself in a combat zone and possibly give my last measure for the Stars & Stripes.
My newest struggle began in December 2021, when the pain that I imagined being a torn rotator cuff in my left shoulder, was diagnosed as a cancer tumor on the bone. But not just any cancer, it was renal cell carcinoma that just “woke up” after floating around for twenty years in my body since the first attack. Fortunately, my right kidney shows no signs of cancer and is functioning well despite my less-than-ideal diet and exercise plan. And again, the disease that crippled my military career and added another layer to my PTSD, was back to remind me of my unfit for duty shortcomings. The bandaids over that wound to protect my self-confidence was ripped off in an instant, so the struggle continues to gain a vision of who I am and the purpose of an “unfit” man.
I have received my first round of radiation treatments for the shoulder tumor, plus two smaller ones in my chest. For three weeks of daily exposure, I pushed to have the most positive and glowing attitude around others, including my medical team. The aftereffects of each day compounded nightly, driving me deeper into a depressive state, kicking off the PTSD nightmares and negative thoughts while pushing away those who cared the most for my well-being. I can’t thank them all enough for standing by my side, even at a distance, sending me care packages, Get Well cards, and silent prayers.
Make it Ring LOUD
Despite feeling exhausted and in considerable pain, I ran that bell with gusto!
Last week, following a round of full-body scans and lab work, my oncologist Dr. Clapp walked into the waiting room beaming with news that all the tumors had reduced an average of 20-25%. The radiation had been effective and now it’s a waiting game. It’s on my plate to change my lifestyle to more healthy choices, drink more water, and improve my physical fitness over the next three months, when we rescan again. Obviously expecting a further reduction in all tumors at that time during the first week of September 2022 or determine whether another round of radiation is indicated or possible chemotherapy. Now we must wait and count each day a little extra special since this time can’t be rushed or saved.
My heart is filled with gratitude to the family, friends, the BCSOK family, and medical staff at the Integris Cancer Institute in Oklahoma City. While I rang the bell on March 25, 2022, at 1:15 pm, the battle is not over and I’m not giving up. The struggle is still there and we wrestle daily for dominance in my life and drive. Thankfully, my support team keeps the win days in the high-scoring column.
If you come across this post and it moves you, I encourage you to drop a comment below on the what, who and how you stay motivated through the difficult times. I plan to share more of my personal life on this site in the hopes that someone can use my words to heal and overcome their struggle.
